Navigating how to break up with a friend?
Friendship break ups can be super painful, even traumatizing.
But staying in a friendship that is toxic is even more damaging.
If you’re contemplating how to break up with a friend, and if you should, it probably won’t be easy no matter which way you slice it.
Especially if you’re torn on whether it’s really the right thing, and if you’ll regret it later on.
In this article, let’s get the scoop on friend breakups:
- What’s a friendship break up?
- Types of friendship break ups
- Why are best friend breakups so hard?
- Reasons to break up with a friend
- How to break up with a friend
- Tips for ending the friendship
- Books to help you through a friendship breakup
- When (and if) you should rekindle a friendship
What’s a Friendship Breakup?
A friendship breakup is the end of friendship, or the separation of two friends. Friendship breakups mean the person who was once a friend you trusted and turned, is no longer a prominent part of your everyday life or influence.
Think about a traditional break up between two romantic partners, then apply the concept to two friends. It’s the same thing, really (minus the sex…and if you are having sex with your friend, it’s still different).
A friendship breakup is NOT the same thing as breaking it off with a friend in benefits – in my opinion, at least. A friend with benefits involves attraction to some degree (even if its just physical), and that just adds a whole other level of complexity that doesn’t apply to friendship breakups.
Of course there are exceptions to this rule. Who am I to say what does and doesn’t constitute a friendship breakup, especially since every situation can have layers of complexity and specific circumstances? I’m just basing this off of my own perceptions, and experience.
Types of Friendship Breakups
The word “breakup” has such a negative connotation, but not all endings have to be bad.
Sometimes friendship breakups happen as a result of…well, life. Just like not every romantic breakup has to be bad, not every friendship breakup has to be ugly.
These are the main types of friendship breakups:
#1 – Falling Out
The Falling Out breakup occurs through a direct result of a negative experience or event, such as a specific disagreement or argument. This type of friendship breakup is typically sudden, and sometimes, unexpected.
Falling Outs often result from betrayal, extreme disagreements or arguments, etc.
When we think of a friendship ending, we typically think of this type of breakup, but the truth it – Falling Outs aren’t always super common. Usually, friends can bounce back into harmony after a falling out, and it doesn’t commonly last forever.
More often than not, friends – especially best friends – have disagreements that result in a period of not talking or hanging out, but they bounce back after a couple weeks of some time apart.
#2 – Conscious Unfriending
Maybe you remember Gwyneth Paltrow using the term to announce the details of her divorce, but conscious uncoupling was actually coined by Katherine Woodward Thomas, who teaches this concept as a “divorce alternative.”
Conscious uncoupling is basically a term for a relationship that ends amicably (as in, they can remain good friends and co-parents), with both parties believing that their lives will be better off when they have ended the relationship.
I think this type of friendship breakup is more uncommon, but it still happens, especially if two people are mature enough to acknowledge their differences and part ways amicably. I also think this type of friendship breakup occurs when a significant event or experience occurs in which two best friends realize its necessary to part ways, without any hard feelings.
#3 – Slow Distancing
The Slow Distancing breakup between friends is probably the most common. It’s likely happened to everyone at some point in their lives, especially transitioning from adolescence to adulthood.
Lives change, paths change, and people change. Sometimes friends are in our lives for a particular season or chapter, but they aren’t meant to be there forever – and there isn’t anything wrong with that in most cases!
Slow distancing is usually attributed to best friend breakups. Think of the people you called your best friend in secondary school – are they still your best friends? Maybe, but most likely not.
Of course, if you saw this person years later, you’d likely strike up a conversation and reminisce on old times – no hard feelings to be had. But will the friendship rekindle and be as intense it was growing up? Probably not.
Flames fizzle out, not just with romantic partners, but best friends, too. As your lifestyle changes, you grow apart from certain people that you once had so much in common with.
That’s what the Slow Distancing friendship breakup is!
#4 – Ghosted Unfriending
Ghosting, again a term that’s often applied to romantic interests (most commonly dating), can also be applied to friendship breakups.
Being ghosted isn’t fun. It hurts. It’s confusing. And if you’re the one ghosting another person, you’re probably being inconsiderate and acting cowardly.
I speak from experience. In high school, I ghosted a few friends – girls I would’ve considered my best friends – and while it felt like the “right” thing to do at the time (mostly because it was easier than facing confrontation), it’s something that’s made me feel icky as an adult that reflects on my past.
Those are the main types of friendship breakups I can think of…Am I missing any others? Let me know in the comments.
Why Is It So Hard to Break Up With A Friend?
If you’ve ever had a falling out with a best friend as an adult, you know what I mean when I say this:
They can hurt. Bad.
And many times, they can hurt even more than breaking it off with a romantic partner.
Note: I say that as an adult with her own life (I’m married with kids). I definitely don’t fall in the bucket of a single twenty-something who’s main relationships are friendships (and there’s nothing wrong with that lifestyle, either.)
Friendship breakups pierce your heart up in ways you probably wouldn’t think they would. I mean, we’re adults, right? How hard can it be?
But they are hard.
In my thirty years of life, I’ve been through a few friendship breakups, and I remember each one as clear as day.
From middle school to high school to adulthood – it doesn’t matter. I remember each one, and the memory of the friendship – including the ex-friend that was once such a huge part of my life – still pop up every now and then.
Looking back on it now, there are a few things I wish I knew about breaking up with a friend, because I definitely didn’t always handle them the best.
But it’s a learning experience. And since I’ve grown wiser because of my mistakes, I’m here to shed some advice.
Especially if you’re on the fence, and questioning everything.
Like, should we really have just ended that friendship? Or, what would happen if we were still friends? And, was there a better way to end things?
The “what could be” or “what might have been” questions will always be there, but when I start to question any of the friendship break-ups I’ve had in the past, I have to see the situation for what it was in its entirety – not just the good or bad times.
My advice to you: Go through the steps in the next section of this article, and hopefully you’ll get some clarity on whether or not your friendship breakup is the right things to do, and how you should proceed.
How to Break Up With A Friend
#1 – Figure Out Why You Want to Break It Off
First things first – you need to decide if breaking up with your friend is something you actually need to do.
And that all starts with asking yourself WHY.
Why do you want to break up with your friend?
Being able to objectively answer that question will help you determine if you actually need to break it off.
Don’t get me wrong – any feeling or reasoning you have is valid. After all, this is YOUR truth, so if you feel like breaking it off is the answer – you don’t have to justify it any further.
But to prevent yourself from doing something you may regret later (and causing you more pain than need be), it’s probably a good idea to assess your reasoning to ensure you’re making the right choice in ending the friendship.
If you’re googling how to break up with a friend because you just got into an argument and are just looking to fuel fire to the flame, take a step back and give yourself some time to cool off before doing anything you might regret later.
Here are some common reasons for breaking up with a friend.
- Different Values. Lifestyles change, and people have different values that end up causing them to grow apart in a major way.
- Emotionally Draining. If you find your emotional energy is exhausted being friends with the person, they might be an emotional vampire. Think of narcissists, the “always the victim” person, drama queens (or kings), and those that always need to call the shots and control things.
- No Going Back. Sometimes, there’s nothing necessarily wrong with the person’s qualities, but maybe they’ve acted in a way that you can’t see past. To decide if it’s something you can move past, ask yourself if you can continue the friendship after the experience.
- Toxic. This one relates to being emotionally draining, but there are types of toxic people that don’t always fall into the emotional vampire category. It can be subtle things like persistent unreliability or overt things like racist jokes that cause someone to be toxic.
- Abusive. This falls for mental, emotional, and physical abuse – and there’s no excuse for it. If your friend is abusive towards you, the friendship needs to end. If your friend is abusive towards others, it should still end. Note: The National Domestic Violence Hotline is an excellent, supportive resource if you’re experiencing domestic violence or questioning unhealthy aspects of your relationship.
While those are just some common reasons people feel called to determine how to break up with a friend, there can be plenty of other reasons out there.
And as long as you feel your reason is enough to justify a friend breakup, that’s all that matters.
After all, it’s your livelihood, health, and life. And I’m a huge advocate for releasing things, and people, that don’t bring light into your life.
All that to say – if you’re feeling like a friend breakup is needed because of a misunderstanding that can eventually be fixed or mended, maybe just take some time off from your friend.
Same for if you’re just wanting to incite drama. Don’t be an emotional vampire.
#2 – Identify the Type of Disagreement
If you know why you’re contemplating ending things, but not sure about if you’re making the right decision, try to identify the type of disagreement you may be dealing with.
What type of disagreement (if any) did you have that made you decide to go through and figure out how to break up with a friend?
There are three main types of disagreements and identifying which one yours falls under can help you decide if a friendship breakup is necessary.
Here are the 3 types of disagreements:
- Misunderstanding. Misunderstandings account for 50-90% of disagreements. This is like when you’ve argued with your friend or had some kind of “falling out.” Maybe you got offended by what she or he said and it’s caused you to rethink your friendship. In a misunderstanding, disagreements can be resolved by mediating, communicating, and making it a point to understand one another and resume the friendship. If all that happened was a misunderstanding, you may be jumping the gun by wanting to know how to break up with a friend.
- Negotiable. Negotiable account for 8-40% of disagreements. This is when you both are clearly on two opposite sides of the disagreement. What your friend thinks is right, you think is wrong, etc. But with a negotiable disagreement, the friendship is recoverable. Maybe you agree to disagree, or maybe someone concedes.
- Non-Negotiable. These account for 2-5% of disagreements usually. A non-negotiable is when two people can’t reasonably come to an agreement, and both are firm in their position.
#2 – Make A Pros and Cons List
Once you’ve decided which type of disagreement you may be dealing with, you can consider the pros and cons to ending the friendship.
I love pros and cons lists when making decisions or choosing what course of action to take because it helps me visually see whether the good is outweighing the bad.
A pros and cons list can even make you realize all that might be on the line.
So, grab a sheet of paper and a pen. Make your T-Chart and list out all of the pros and cons to the friendship (or to ending the friendship) that come to mind.
#3 – Journal About Your Feelings
Journaling out your feelings and expressing your emotions privately will help you release any negativity that’s building up.
It also allows you “venting space” where you can safely share your feelings, including what’s bothering you and why it’s bothering you.
Whether you decide to break up with your friend or not, this will help you clear out your frustrations so you can effectively communicate in a reasonable way without going off on your friend.
Journaling will also help you process your emotions, and you’ll feel a whole lot better once you’ve led it all out.
It can also be very therapeutic – just one of the many benefits of journaling.
Here are some journaling prompts to help you decide if, and how to break up with a friend:
- As you think back on your friendship, would you say
- Describe the type of person your friend is. Is she or he someone you would aspire to be? Why or why not?
- Why are you hurt or angry? What can you take responsibility for in the downfall of the friendship?
- Write a scenario in which your friend is not part of your life anymore. Then, read what you wrote and reflect how you feel.
- Write a letter to your friend. Don’t give it to your friend, just use this letter to express all of your feelings without fear of being judged.
#4 – Decide How To Break Up With A Friend
Now that you’re clear on why you’re pursuing a friendship breakup, it’s time to consider the how.
If and when you’ve made the decision to end things, it’s time to decide on how to break up with a friend.
You should not ghost your friend unless you are in an abusive friendship and/or feel threatened or unsafe.
Your soon-to-be ex-friend deserves respect and honesty, and you should allow them that, even if you feel like cutting off all contact without explanation is easy for you.
When I was in high school, I ghosted a best friend. Yes, I did that, and I’m not proud of it.
Even though I felt like the friendship became toxic and competitive in a way that I didn’t want to be part of anymore, that doesn’t mean my friend deserved to be ghosted without so much as an explanation.
She had feelings, too, and I wish I would have been more courageous in acknowledging that. To this day, I still feel bad about it (and that was over ten years ago).
All that to say – learn from my mistakes! Don’t ghost anyone unless you are in an unsafe and/or abusive friendship.
You should always try to meet in person. Uncomfortable, yes. But if you are definite that this is the right decision and want to end things amicably and maturely, in-person is the way to go.
#5 – Make A Plan
It always helps to make a plan, especially if you want to be clear with your words or are nervous about communicating things effectively.
To break up with a friend, you should have a plan that includes your reasoning and explanation, where the relationship stands, and what boundaries you want in place.
Here’s what to address in your friendship breakup plan:
- Communication. At the minimum, your plan should include what you want to say. Do a test run and write down what you want to express, and your reasons for ending the friendship. Try to use “I” statements, and not accusatory “you” statements. Make this about yourself more than them.
- Reasoning. This falls under your communication plan, but be very clear to express your reasoning on why ending the friendship is best.
- Boundaries. Once your friend has understood your intention and reasoning to end the friendship, be clear about your boundaries going forward. Is it okay for you to remain friends on Facebook or do you need to cut off all ties? Can they reach out to you if they absolutely need something? Think of how you want to set boundaries going forward. Boundaries are crucial for navigating how to break up with a friend for good, so be clear and firm.
- Shared Friendships. If you both share other friends or belong in a certain social group, make it clear how you plan to address this.
- Belongings. Plan to bring any of your ex-friend’s belongings with you to return them. Or, make a plan for them to retrieve their items and vice versa at a later date.
- Reaction Plan. You need to be prepared if your friend reacts immaturely, emotionally, or angrily. What will you do if he or she cries? Gets upset? Starts insulting? Walks off? Prepare for any of these situations and more.
#7 – Break It Off
Once you’re clear on your decision and are prepared with a plan, it’s time to do the very hard part and follow-through.
Hopefully, if you’ve gone through all of these steps, you know exactly how to break up with your friend and it won’t seem as scary or uncomfortable.
Stick to your plan as much as you feel you need to.
But if your heart is still pulling you in different directions, or you feel like maybe you just need some space, don’t end things permanently.
Sometimes, all we need is space from one another and time to clear our heads and let go of any negative emotions to free ourselves.
And most of the time, we find that we probably don’t need to actually break up with a friend officially. This is true if you just slowly outgrow your friend but don’t want to lose connection with them forever.
#8 – Stick to Boundaries
Once you’ve broken it off, stick to your boundaries.
Don’t confuse this with being prideful.
If you’re sticking to boundaries not because you really want to, but because you have too much pride to give in, that’s not being true to your honest feelings.
But if you’re firm on your decision and your friend is testing your boundaries, it’s okay to stick to your boundaries, and you shouldn’t feel guilty about that.
#9 – Communicate the Friend Breakup
Once you and your ex-friend have officially ended things and both parties are clear that the friendship is over, it’s time to communicate the change to anyone who knows the both of you.
This can include shared friends, acquaintances, family that is used to seeing you two together, etcetera.
There’s nothing more awkward than someone saying, “Hey, what’s up with you and (insert friends name here)?”
Be proactive and let the people who need to know that you and your friend are no longer part of each other’s lives.
You don’t have to go into details unless you want to, but even then – I would say keep it minimal. Don’t give all the juicy details or create more drama, because chances are, your friend will hear about it and this can open up some animosity.
Just be respectful about it.
How to Break Up With A friend Nicely
Learning how to break up with a friend nicely is simple: Be nice!
Always be respectful towards the person’s feelings, don’t blame them or guilt them, and be kind.
If you approach the breakup calmly, with a clear-mind and aren’t accusatory, your friend will try to understand and accept your decision.
This isn’t to say that they will not be hurt. They most likely will be, especially if they feel the friendship is salvageable.
And just because you decide how to break up with your friend nicely, doesn’t mean your delivery will come off nicely.
It’s important to understand that everyone has their own truth – what they believe to be true based on their perception and perspective. You could be doing everything as nicely as you can, but your friend might still feel you are going about it the wrong way.
You can always run your break up plan by a trusted friend or partner and see what they think, or what you can improve.
What other questions do you have on how to break up with a friend?
Hopefully, this guide helped you a) realize whether you should actually break your friendship off, and b). how to do so confidently and maturely.
If you’re still not sure about either, give it some time.
Giving it time does not mean ghosting your friend and giving them the eternal cold shoulder.
Just give yourself some space, sleep on it, mull it over, talk it out with your partner, a different friend, or therapist, and see how you feel.
I always think about the energy I’m bringing into my life and the lives of my family by staying friends with someone who I’m questioning.
If I feel more icky about the friendship, and can honestly say I would be happier and more peaceful without them in my life, then I know it’s time to say goodbye.
For what it’s worth, I haven’t had to deal with a friendship breakup in awhile, and that’s mainly because I’m more selective with who I let in my life.
Regardless, I wish you the very best in your friendship breakup.
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